I'm afraid of being alone in thunderstorms.  If possible I'll go to all lengths to stay in someones room while a storm is happening. even if it means sleeping next to their bed on the floor. my mum can vouch for that.

I don't care if this makes me less manly *stomps off manily*

ART:
I got my art program to work. slightly. above is a sketch of a drawing I'm doing for the missus. I feel it's safe to put up. I highly doubt she even reads these blogs >_>
LIFE:
been having myself a good mope around my house. got sick of my emo crap and decided to put this energy to some use and started to draw and write my stories. being productive is a VERY good distraction from crappy feelings

GENERAL BITCHING/ RANTS:
uh....feeling a little less lonely...(wait that's not a rant...) hold up let me angst this up a bit. *ahem* WHYYYYYYYYYYY!?!?! I WISH IT WERE MONDAY TT3TT

RANDOM THOUGHTS:
I like feeling useful and needed. I know I'm not the only one. though I suppose I become much more fulfilled than the average person with knowing I made someone just a bit happier. there's nothing that gets my gears going(catch the reference you get a cookie) better than the thought of someone not only needing me but wanting me XD.

I feel like complete and utter crap. I think I'll go curl up in my bed and hug my pretty blue ring for comfort :D . I'll make a journal post when I wake up and if I feel any better TT3TT see you in 2-12 hours? ^_^""

she stared out at nothing in particular. rather it would seem she was staring inside herself. she sorted through the files she kept in her mind burning old files and keeping the ones that wouldn't hurt her. a little spring cleaning if you would.the young blonde decided that after the breakup she wanted to erase every trace of him from her life. all the memories, the good and the bad. all would have to go if she wanted to go on with her life. she hated him for having to invest so much energy and risk her heart on him. Laura glared at her cd wrack kicking it down without a second thought. it landed with a thud followed by the crunching sound of six inch heels grinding the cases and their contents into her red carpet. Stonp. another crash of her boots sent a muse cd snapping in two. crunch. along with the cd's the memories of her and the lad staying up late at night listening to music also began to fade. by the end she was too tired to move her foot let alone have enough strength to keep herself standing. the girl slumped to the floor admiring her work.

hm....this just crossed my mind and don't know where I'm going with this.....surprisingly I wasn't angry at all when writing this :)

8. I can act ( how could I in my pity party forget THIS!?!)

ART:
all digital work has been put on hold until my computer starts behaving again. I'm doing some sketches of my camping trip. the one above is my memory of one of the nights. I didn't do the moment justice but believe me it was beautiful. my friend and I are doing a collaborative comic I'll post a link when we're done.
LIFE:
well this shouldn't be too long....hopefully.

first off Convergence the sci fi/ fantasy convention:

registration went well. (even if they misspelled my badge name) I slept in the hotel until about 7 when I finally worked up the courage to venture outside. I spent another 15 minutes in the hall shuffling up the courage to go down the elevator. head hung low I began my journey out into con. Rain basically circled con about 2839 times until she saw someone she knew and they let her tag along with them. then M and the boy had to go do a volunteer shift so I was left to wander around by myself again. Lo and behold I perked right up when I saw the people I was waiting at the elevator. much hugs and squishies continued. we went out to eat and then the misses and I watched the zombie movie "fido" at one of the rooms.

the next day the misses and I entered our artwork into the show/ auction ( she sold three! I didn't sell but I never expected I would :/ ). after that we went into this indoor inflatable planetarium thing. then after that we wandered for food and stuff. at least I think so......I can't remember the rest of con in order so please excuse me if I mess up... later that night the misses dragged me onto the dance floor( same for the rest of con) and insisted I started dancing. upside, glow sticks!. downside, loss of dignity and tiredness. a group of friends and I saw the ending of a vampire movie. the rest of con is a blurr and I can't remember what I wanted to say about con at the moment.........

OH!

how could I forget>?!?

a dr. horrible cosplayer started stripping in one of the rooms ( not fully but damn he was a good dancer. not chip n' dales but ACTUALLY good dancing) he also danced in costume all night at the rave and then jumped in one of the pools to have a battle of inflatables with another man. picture my lovelies, dr . horrible battling it out with an inflatable croc. epic.

camping:
just recently I've gotten back from camping with the misses. we roasted marshmallows on a fire, hiked a mountain up to a wooden fort thing, and played 500. a game I don't think I'll ever get due to the fact it's not a card game I can play mindlessly. it's more like one I'd need to put all my focus in forgettign there are other players. rain had lots of fun though she may have ruined the trip for some :/ I hope I didn't but I feel it's turning out to seem that way. bah, whatever I swore to make this blog F***** cheery and I'm not gonna dwell.


GENERAL BITCHING/ RANTS:
my mosquito bites have become hard enlarged swelling bumps on my arms and legs. If they only itched I 'd be fine but they hurt :(

RANDOM THOUGHTS:
is it me or have I suddenly been expected to be independent?I mean there was no real warning and now I should be able to do all these things I've never been taught. find a job? learn how to navigate and ride the bus?find colleges on my own? I should know how to do all this on my own? wheres the instruction?the helping hand? you expect me to know so much when you haven't taught me anything? I know I'm not the only who feels unprepared for the things parents seem to spring on you after hitting late teens.

                                     rain is getting angry at her self ( but what else is new?). I've been thinking about my social and behavioral patterns and not liking what I see at all. since this topic is so fresh in my mind I really wanted to write it down. all this thinking left rain wondering "have I really gotten that bad? I knew I was always a socially awkward kid but these days it's getting a bit extreme. I remember when I was young working up the nerve to get out of my seat and walk somewhere else at a park for 20 minutes. it was nerve wracking. it's also the unmistakable feeling I get even today in some situations.Mind screaming at myself KNOWING what it wants to do/say but my body is stuck in place refusing my wishes. This "fear" ( at least it feels like it or more like dread...) has left me to cower in corners at parties and made going to restaurants unbearable. I can see myself as I type, heart racing, mouth half open trying to say words I know wont make their way through. how typical of me to have words in my head that take all of my confidence and strength to voice. these words spin around in my head over and over as if saying them more will make them easier to voice. Naive wishful thinking on my part for when the time comes this unknown fear seals my lips shut.

                           The only time it's easy for me to talk is when I'm online or when I txt people. I wouldn't recommend calling me I hate answering phones. I have the greatest fear of calling people so don't expect e to call you either. Only rain would have a panic attack being forced to use the phone and call someone *rolls eyes*

                        I can see people getting tired of my ways. if I could change myself I would but I can't change the way I am so easily. I'm NOT doing these things on purpose.( though some/ateacherthatshallremainunnamed think I am and have gotten upset with  me thinking I was playing games with them. If I couldn't talk to you before putting pressure on me is just going to make me even worse)


                     I swear when I get to know and be comfortable with you I'm a really groovy gal. I'm kind of loud and excitable. don't let that "weirdo gal hiding in the corner" exterior fool you I'm pretty outgoing when having having a group of friends(or just one friend) "hold my hand" so to speak oh well, each day I'm pushing my way through this fear hoping that eventually by facing it as best I can I'll overcome it.

ending on a happy note? oh I'm getting better. within the next four hours I'll be posting another journal capping what I've been up to (yes that means con) oh and art! I swear it'll be more cheery than these depressing thoughts of mine :)

oh gray, sometimes you make me want to cry with understanding


well, anyways I'd do a proper journal but I've just gotten back from con and don't really care. I should be sleeping right now but I have web comics to catch up on. convergenc was wonderful. doctor horribles everywhere. I'll talk more about the events in detail later.

I think I'm going to make a list of things I like about myself and just things to remember for when I go into one of my episodes of self-hared.(like now)so let us start!

1: I can draw... mediocre art( yes this is what I like about myself the most)

2: I have an eye for composition in drawings and clothes(I'm completely clueless when it comes to dressing myself though)

3:I make people happy. even if it involves making a fool out of myself.

4: I put my loved ones' happiness before my own, because when they're happy it makes me feel better even if I feel like shit deep down.

5: you are worthy of being cared about rain, so shut up.

6: this little inferiority complex of yours has got to stop. seriously,stop thinking of yourself as a "last resort", "second best" or someone to "settle with"

7: you have a nice voice


uhg...that's all I can think about that i like about myself. each one of those took e over 5 minutes to think of. >_>

ART:
sill working away at moose's picture. more importantly I'm coloring a REALLY short comic I made. I intended it to be 7 pages but I felt I had reached an end at four :P
LIFE:
talked to my best friend about future plans like schools and such. I hadn't talked to her n a while so that felt extremely lifting. I highly appreciate her listening to me rant about my problems.

GENERAL BITCHING/ RANTS:
I'd go into this full on rant but then I'd sound REALLY emo and no one wants that. all I have to say is "screw you and your rude jokes gran"

RANDOM THOUGHTS:
I feel dirty and want a bath.....okay that's not really a random thought. let me try harder. hmm...oh! I know what to write for my next random thought ( it'll need the comic strip I drew to go with it to have full impact)

ART:
I've begun to draw comics about my life. the ones about my love life amuse me greatly. still working on moose's picture. I'm coloring it at this moment... my newer art program seems to hate shading with a mouse :/ . I suppose I'm just out of practice and it'll get easier and quicker like it used to be

LIFE:
last day of school anyone? I have a pant leg full of signatures and a heart full of love. I should probably go to sleep since graduation is today XD (2:00 am right now)

GENERAL BITCHING/ RANTS:
uh........there's something to be unhappy about...? well, actually I can feel myself slipping into one of my episodes of self hatred but If I ignore looking at myself I 'll be fine.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:
has anyone else ever noticed how much different people look in pictures than in real life? it's ridiculous how inaccurate photo's are. I bet it's because photo's don't show personality well. I know someone who's majorly hyper but all her photo's make her look calm and graceful. If I didn't know any better I'd say these pictures are lying to me on purpose! I call shenanigans!

ART:
the yearbook cover is finished and now all I have to do is finish moose's picture he commissioned for me months ago. I should really set up a system so this lateness will cease.
LIFE:
nothing but boring old days. today was actually a pretty crappy day. being the only student in multiple classes sucks ass. I want this week to END.

GENERAL BITCHING/ RANTS:
I hate when people compare me to other people. I'd say it pisses me off but it's much more hurtful than infuriating. telling me " uhg rain, blah, blah, blah, was better than you. you're not as good blah blah blah" is quite insulting. I don't say anything the first time but after repeated events it starts to bore into me a little. I'd tell them how it makes me feel but then that would make them feel bad. rain doesn't want that. so hopefully they'll stop before I begin with my inferiority complex and start spiraling into emoness.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:
under arm hair. a strange thought to be thinking huh? usually these random thoughts sprout from conversations I overhear at school. after a long thought process I came to a very interesting question " why is it so unacceptable for me not to shave?" my own mum tells me things like " rain you need to shave" or demands I put on deodorant. Is this all really necessary? I mean we've been living for quite a while without these things. I've come to realize I've been conditioned to feel "unattractive" or "embarrassed" if I'm not as smooth as some prepubescent 9 year old boy.

ART:
I'm finishing up my part of the year book cover Zach and I are doing
LIFE:
today was the first day of the seniors plays, and might I say I'm tired as hell,. my legs hurt before we started and I can't imagine what they'll feel like after another performance. it was overly hot with my super thick knee highs on. either way it was great amounts of fun even though I've gotten hurt multiple times doing my part. XD

GENERAL BITCHING/ RANTS:
uh......I'm tired, sore, and hungry?

RANDOM THOUGHTS:
is dropping everything you have to be with someone really all that noble? if I did that I'd mostly end up resenting this person. I have strange thoughts no? or maybe I'm not sensitive enough to give up all my happiness for someone else yet. I hope the day never comes when I would be.

perhaps if I add more to this journal( you know other than private posts about my characters) then I might get out of my art/ writing block. I wont promise to update every day. mostly once a week would be nice. I think I'll separate my journal as so:

ART:
I'm in a art slump, the misses tells me I should draw that fanart I've been talking about making. it's not so simple though, I'm losing motivation to do a lot of the things I love. like writing. ideas bounce around in my head begging to get out but they never seem to make it to paper these days.

LIFE:
I've recently been involved with the senior play and being an umpa lumpa. I'm just a bit more than worried they handed us all a script two days before production though.

oh and my squash have just flowered! I 'm so excited to have plants that haven't died off yet.

GENERAL BITCHING/ RANTS:
I'd rant on and on about how melodramatic everything in high school is but I wont, for now that is.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:
all the years of reading books and comics with romance incorporated into the stories leaves me wondering how accurate their descriptions of love are.  hearts a flutter, pulse racing. are those actually indicators of love? I've only witnessed this heart fluttering once in my life in middle school. does this make my feelings less deep if there isn't that "oh so magical" spark? out of all the people I've liked ( which is like four) I've only had that "spark" with one and the rest I've felt an extreme comfort with. this fluttering seems more like a sign of attraction than anything, but that's just my two cents.

    The soft sound of wings pushing away air and the scent of his hair are what first alerted Sarah of the dark man's presence. Oh how long it had been since she had laid eyes on the boogeyman. Had he changed? Did he finally remember her even after all these years she was to be kept imprisoned in the crystalline tower?
    He was a creature that could no longer be called a true boogey man; but much more. So much negative energy and yet he still only had received minor changes in his appearance. From those leathery emerald and black wings, and also those gleaming scarlet eyes that stared at our not so young Sarah with the probing curiosity of a two year old. He had  indeed become a noble king since his fathers passing. Though Sarah  would always see him as the handsome prince she had come to love. Even if he no longer could remember her
    The mismatched eyed girl turned to her guest and smiled the best she could with the spell bound mesh across her lips. Blank stares would ensue. ‘perhaps he really has forgotten me’ Sarah thought sorrowfully recounting the event in which started this sad state of affairs. The nightmare king( also know as the Rat king) had declared war on the boogey kingdom by kidnapping their prince.
    Sarah was not to let him get taken without a fight. With help from the boogey men army she marched off to the nightmare kingdom to reclaim her prince. As fate would have it the nightmare king was pumping negative energy into the young prince in hope to turn him into a mindless pet. Sarah ended taking in much of that energy to try and protect said young prince. Such a thing was never heard of! A mere human taking on so much negative energy would surely have it’s fall backs. In a moment of excruciating pain Sarah let out a glass shattering scream. This scream in fact did shatter all the glass in the nightmare kings castle and sent all his monsters and the Rat king himself scrambling to her feet in obedience from her tremendous negative energy.
    And this is where we have left off at. The boogey king decided Sarah’s voice was much too powerful so he bound her power of song and speech. Shackled incase the madness of all the raw negative energy would happen to seep in.
    she smiled ounce more  in hope that she would at least get the return of such a small gesture.  After a moment she finally let the sides of her mouth drop. All he was willing to do at that point was stare into her one pure blue eye.  Sighing in defeat she turned around to hum the lyrics of a song that ran through her mind ever since she was kept in the tower.


    She turned her head back to find only black fog in place where her prince ounce flew. ' My voice may lure any monster, but you scurry as far away as you can my prince' Sarah smiled at the irony of it all. Perhaps tomorrow she would try and lure the beast  ounce more with her song.